World of Nadiah

I remembered Prof Ainsah told the current psychiatric posting's students about how to take history in psychiatry version. And yes, I clearly remember that she told us to ask about the birth order and she said the youngest always get all the attentions, pampered and the spoiled one. Well, I didn't deny it but it make me angry or sort of disagree. It didn't bother me much, really... because I just knew it's not entirely true. And today, while I was browsing the internet, I stumbled across one website about birth order. So, does the theory of Alfred Adler regarding birth order true?

Well, tomorrow is my exam day. Primary Care Medicine exam. I was preparing for it topic by topic. Hoping that I won't stuck tomorrow. When I reached my next topic : asthma, I grinned. Not because it's totally easy or because I know I won't get it as a case tomorrow, but because I remember me being an asthmatic patient. I was asthmatic! I repeat again, was... Actually I thought I was but now, I'm not sure. Oh, I want to tell the experience of being asthmatic.

I didn't know about my conditions until I was 12. At that time, I was walking to the school in the morning. The distance was about 50 meters. After about 5-10 meters of walking, I felt difficulty of breathing. I stopped and a minute or two, I felt fine. I continued walking. I think I stop for 3-4 times for that distance. Unfortunately, that day, we have physical lessons. So, we need to run for a round or two. I started to run and few seconds after that, I felt the tightness on my chest and soon after, I started coughing uncontrollably. My friends started to get around me when my cough didn't stop. They tried to call for my physical's teacher, but before he came to me, I started to stop coughing. That's my first experience of shortness of breath. I was thinking I would died at that time because I can't breath... I was told to have asthma after that by a doctor. Wth, I don't even know what's that. So, let it go...

About every year after that, I had mild exacerbation. I felt the chest tightness but I couldn't remember whether I got treatment or not. But, when I was 17, I got another exacerbation that I have difficulty to forget it. I had sore throat that morning in school. Really itchy with mild fever. But, nothing serious happened at school that morning. But, around 4-5 pm that evening, I started to develop serious shortness of breath. Even when I was sitting on the couch, I had difficulty of breathing. My chest felt tight. My mother was not around and my father was doing his garden work. I don't know what to do. I felt the difficulties and yet I can't do anything. I want to cry but I can't because if I cried, that will cause further difficulty of breathing. I can't even talk in full sentences. My mother came home around 6 pm. She just did the tepid sponging because I have fever at that time and then, she left me resting on the couch. I was complaining that I can't really breath to her few times. For the first and second times of complaining, I got her sympathy but when I continued complaining, my mother started to scold me. She said she can't do anything to help. She left me and continued doing her housework. But, she did come back for tepid sponging. After Maghrib, I can't stand anymore, I begged my parents to bring me to the clinic and finally my father brought me to one. There, I was given nebuliser and tablet medications. I also got an MC. After taking that tablets for few times, I felt fine the next two morning. Not the next morning, but the next morning after having MC for a day. I went to school that day. Actually starting the MC day, I already felt mild tremor and palpitations but when I went to school that day, it becoming more serious. I didn't say severe, I just said serious until it disturb my writing and also my classes. I can't concentrate in the class because of that. The worse thing was I don't know why it's happened. I'm afraid. But, that's was the last time in which I need many tablets of salbutamol. After that 17 year old incident, I only need sometime 1-2 tablets for the exacerbations and sometimes I didn't even care to take the medications because it was so mild and I know it will resolved by itself.

That's my experience. I was scared. My parents and me were not educated about my asthma and I was not told about the side effects of the drugs. And I was given tablets! High dose. Hmm, but, maybe at that time, inhaler use was not very popular. I didn't blame that but I was angry enough about the educations that we didn't get. I didn't blame my mother for scolding me when I complained I can't breath because she didn't even know what asthma can do to me.

Until now, I still will get the very mild exacerbation when I was exposed to dust. I got chest tightness and the feeling of uncomfortable breathing. But, not shortness of breathing. That's good enough for me. At least I don't have to take medications. XD

My body is still aching from yesterday's journey. We had great time together as a group. Well, even though it felt awkward, it was great actually. I felt awkward because I'm not very very very good with socializing. Why is it socializing is so difficult? I'm not a social girl. When I refer to socializing, it's not like very social, it's like cheerful enough to start the conversation, well, sort of. If I have a choice; for example in a situation where there were a lot of people in a party or ceremony, whether to just silent or to talk with other guests, I definitely will sat at one corner with my drink and will just watching people. Seriously. Except, I'm on influenced by somebody or something, maybe I won't be so silent... I said maybe... :p

Oh, btw, this is our journey there... We went there just to have fun and spent time together as a group... I guess. Well, not entirely sure. But, what I'm sure of, it's not my money. We used the sponsored money... lol. I'm just fitting my butt in. Hihi.

Which one is more difficult? To be a man or a woman in this globalized world. I once ask myself, why it's so hard to be a woman? Why? Well, somebody told me that, I said like that because I'm a woman. Men also will ask that question to themselves except it's just we don't know it. So, is it hard to be a man? To me it is hard to be a woman. Why? Bunch of ridiculous things that man usually won't care about it but we, women always care about it. Especially emotional part. How sensitive a man is, he won't be as sensitive as woman especially during PMS or pregnancy. PMS? For those who can control it, well, they may say it's an easy task. But, for those who experienced to much hormonal imbalances will nod their head as they read this. Are you?

I don't know where to begin or what to begin with or who to begin with. The main point is it's hurt so much. I feel like rubbish when compare to other people. Why I have to face in this sucks life. People hate me? Why? I want to know why!!! They cover themselves with masks and be nice to me but 'kill' me from back? What kind of person is that. Why did everybody need to be hypocrite. Is it some kind of culture, religion or inhereditary disease? Such a lame thing to be practice. I'm totally in pain, pain that I've been collect for all these years. Where do I have to throw all this pain? Do I have to sunk it in the sea or buried it on top of the hill or burn it into ashes and dust? I don't know the answer. If I know I wouldn't be in this kind of pain. It's totally excruciating!!!

Hari ni Nadiah temankan mak Nadiah pergi berurut. Orang yg mengurut tu tak tahu la nak panggil apa. Tok Bomoh, dengar jer pun macam seram. Nasib baiklah pergi pagi. Sebenarnya dah lama dah mak Nadiah pergi mengurut kat situ. Hampir setahun dah. Sejak mak Nadiah dapat stroke. Tapi yang selalu bawa adalah kakak. Tapi sejak semalam, Nadiah yang bawa sebab kakak balik rumah mak mertua dia. Nadiah sebenarnya tak suka pergi sana. Satu, sebab bini tok urut tu suka menc*r**. Ada sebab dia menc*r** tu. Sebenarnya, kalau nak pergi umah tok urut ni, tak boleh pakai seluar bagi yang perempuan. Lelaki tu takpela. Lepas tu, kalau kita dah datang umah orang ni, mestilah beradap. Mana boleh buang sampah rata2. So, banyak jugak la pantang larang ni yg dilanggar oleh orang yg datang ke umah tok urut ni. Nadiah penah kena sekali. Beberapa bulan lepas, sebab pakai seluar. Ceh, tak pasal2 kena c*r**. Tapi, Nadiah takleh terima orang perempuan(bini tok urut) menc*r** macam tu. Tak kesah la sapa pun sebenarnya. Nadiah benci orang menc*r**. Dan sebab yang kedua kenapa Nadiah tak suka pergi sana, sebab Nadiah tak suka dgn tok bomoh tu. Tok bomoh ni tak suka doktor. Ada ke dia nasihat semua klien2 dia jangan jumpa doktor... Panas gak telinga bila dengar. Yela, Nadiah kan sedang menuju ke arah profession tu. Semalam, ada seorang perempuan ni datang dgn perut kembung. Tok bomoh ni kata busung, buatan orang. Ntahla, orang tu pun ikut ajer. At least check la doktor juga. Mana tahu cancer ker (Meigs syndrome). Anything can happens. Lepas tu Tok bomoh ni boleh cakap jangan jumpa doktor! Dia cakap macam ni... "nanti doktor belah sana, belah sini... cukup 3 kali, bismillah la kau..." Sampai sekarang Nadiah ingat apa dia cakap. Nadiah setuju dari segi pengamalan Tok Bomoh ni menggunakan ayat2 suci tapi tak perlulah nak hasut pesakit2 tu supaya jangan jumpa doktor. Nadiah selalu terpikir, macam ni lah mentaliti orang melayu. Bawa cerita tak betul, tambah2, lepas tu orang yang mendengar pun terima jer... Tapi, yang penting, ada satu cerita menarik yang berlaku kat tempat berubat tu ari ni. Lain kali la, nak solat dulu.

Sekarang tengah cuti seminggu sebelum Nadiah mulakan final year. Cuti memang sekejap tapi rasa bosan jugak. Yelah, dah biasa tak cuti panjang. So balik hari itu, Nadiah kemas-kemaskan bilik Nadiah. Jumpa la banyak fail-fail lama, masa sekolah2 dulu. Bila selak2 balik, datang la perasaaan rindu dekat kawan-kawan sekolah, tak kisahla sek ren ke, menengah ke. Macam mana agaknya diorang. Lost contact langsung. Nadiah bukan tak mahu contact diorang cuma tak tahu macam mana nak contact. Kadang2 rasa malas pun ada. Bukan apa, kebanyakkan kawan Nadiah tengah buat practical sebab masing2 dah habis belajar. Nadiah jer yang terkontang kanting selak buku.
Nadiah rindu Dang Anum dan cikgu2 yang pernah ajar Nadiah. Kalau pergi Dang Anum sekarang ni, takde dah cikgu2 lama yg ajar Nadiah dulu. Kat sekolah tu la, Nadiah banyak belajar erti kehidupan. It's just a small world that I attend but it means a lot to me. Walaupun Nadiah takde geng glamour atau tak termasuk dalam senarai budak glamour, tapi Nadiah suka Dang Anum. Buat Cikgu Noorezan, you are just like a mother to me. Tak lupa juga buat cikgu Hanafi. Diorang ajar subject favourite Nadiah, biology and add math respectively. Cikgu-cikgu lain pun tak kurang bestnya. Tapi Nadiah nak buat pengakuan kat sini, Cikgu Mazlan, saya tak suka Fizik. lol. Sorry, cikgu. Tapi B3 tak teruk sangat kan...